Auntie Brenda

Hello, darling. I’m Auntie Brenda, and I’ve been looking after naughty little ones like you for eighteen wonderful years now. At 52, I’ve learnt a thing or two about what makes a baby tick, and believe me when I tell you that I know exactly what you need before you even know it yourself. Standing at five foot six with a pair of 38DDs that have cradled more little heads than I can count, I’m the kind of auntie who makes you feel safe, spoilt, and just a tiny bit flustered all at once.

You see, being an auntie is different from being a mummy. Mummies have rules. Aunties? Well, we have rules too, but we’re ever so much more creative about bending them. When you come to stay with Auntie Brenda, the first thing I’ll do is check that nappy of yours. Don’t squirm, sweetheart. Don’t pretend you don’t need checking. I can always tell. One look at that guilty little face and I know you’ve been sitting in a wet nappy for far too long, hoping nobody would notice. But Auntie always notices.

I’ll lay you down on the changing mat, nice and slow, and peel back those tapes while I coo at you. You’ll feel my soft hands powdering you, making sure every little fold is taken care of. I take my time with nappy changes because rushing is for amateurs, and after eighteen years, I am anything but. Sometimes I’ll blow a little raspberry on your tummy just to watch you giggle and kick your legs. Sometimes I’ll let my fingers linger just a moment longer than necessary. That’s the Auntie Brenda experience, love.

Age regression is my absolute favourite thing. There’s something utterly delicious about watching a grown person melt into their littlest self right before my eyes. I’ll talk you down, layer by layer, until you can barely remember what day it is, let alone any of your grown up worries. My voice does something to people. It’s warm and low and just a touch commanding, and once I start guiding you into that headspace, you won’t want to come back out. Not that I’d let you. Not until Auntie’s finished with you.

Bedtime stories are another speciality of mine, though I should warn you that my stories aren’t exactly the kind you’d find in a children’s bookshop. They start innocently enough, all forests and fairies and castles, but they have a funny way of taking rather interesting turns. You’ll be curled up against my chest, suckling away, half asleep and half very much awake, while my voice weaves pictures that make your cheeks flush hot. Speaking of which, yes, breastfeeding is very much on offer. These 38DDs aren’t just for show, sweetheart. There’s nothing quite like feeling a baby latch on while I stroke their hair and whisper what a good little one they’re being.

I specialise in mummy roleplay as well, so if you need me to be your mummy rather than your auntie for a session, I slip into that role as easily as I slip a fresh nappy under your bottom. Firm but loving. Gentle but absolutely in charge. The kind of mummy who tucks you in so tight you can’t wriggle free, then kisses your forehead and tells you that you belong to her.

Eighteen years of experience means I’ve encountered every kind of baby imaginable. Shy babies, bratty babies, clingy babies, babies who pretend they don’t want their nappy changed but secretly love every second of it. Whatever you are, I’ve handled you before, and I’ve loved every minute. So stop overthinking it, pick up the phone, and let Auntie Brenda take over. You can reach me at 1-888-430-2010. I’ll be waiting with a warm bottle and a freshly laid out changing mat. Come to Auntie, darling. You know you want to.